Chapter Forty-One: Doom Wrecks

The Scavenger
guest-starring The Amazing Spider-Man
The End of the World As We Know It: Part I-1

Joe was the first of his friends to wake up that morning. First, he called the hotel’s front desk to request a 10:30 wake-up call. Then, while Charles and Kyle slept, he showered, shaved, and began getting dressed in the “nice” clothes he’d purchased with Stingray’s cash card. Joe was just finishing tying his tie as Charles got out of bed. He finished the knot, tucked his CESU into his pocket, and sat on the desk to light a cigarette. He smoked as Charles stretched.
“Ready for your big day?” Charles asked.
“I hope so,” Joe said. “I’ve done editing work before, you know? I’m sure I’ve got the experience I need to do a good job at the Bugle, but with no references in this world, I don’t know how I’ll convince Jolly Jonah I’m worth a shot.”
“I guess you should just hope you run into Peter Parker, like you suggested.”
“I don’t really want to cheat though, you know? I mean, all of the superpowers and heroics and things aside, I’m kind of starting to like being trapped in a brand-new place, getting ourselves settled and starting new lives. It’s romantic, in that not in the Meg Ryan-movies way, you know what I mean? Like the Romantic Period kind of romantic. I’d like to succeed here without resorting to Hypno-jackets or favors other superheroes owe us or anything. That’s the whole reason we’re not living with the X-Men.”
“Well that, and the fact that you’re not a mutant.”
“True. I mean, hey! You’re not a mutant, either.”
“Yes I am. I’ve been a mutant since I was like, four or something. I swear to God.”
“Whatever.” Joe dropped his cigarette in the ashtray. “I’ve got to be getting downtown. Remember to check us out here in a couple of hours, and then I’ll see you guys out on Liberty Island whenever you get back, okay?”
“Got it.”

A taxi was too much (any) money, and Joe didn’t want to risk the Scavenger being recognized, which only left the subway to take him down to the Daily Bugle building. Fortunately, Joe had lots of previous subway-riding experience, but even still, he took the wrong train a few stations off the right path, and missed his stop one other time, and by the time he made it to J. Jonah Jameson’s office, he was late (but not too late).
“You’re late,” Jonah said, chomping away at his cigar.
“But not too late,” Joe pointed out. He smiled weakly. From the back of the office, Joe Robertson smiled, too, giving the nervous applicant a little encouragement. Jameson did not.
“You want to work at the Bugle, you’ve got to be prompt,” he grunted.
“Yes, sir,” Joe replied. “I assure you, it won’t happen again.” Jonah harrumphed.
“You’re damn right it won’t happen again,” he snapped. “Now, what makes you think I ought to give you any kind of job?”
“Well, sir,” Joe began. “I’ve got newspaper experience. I-“
“College degree?” Jonah asked.
“Um... no,” Joe confessed.
“References?”
“Um... no,” Joe confessed.
“Proof of employment eligibility? Driver’s license? Social Security Number?”
“Um... no.”
“Get the hell out of my office!” Jonah was almost bright purple with rage. From the back, Robbie just looked on, amused. Joe just stared as Jonah angrily tore off his suitcoat. Underneath, the publisher was wearing a white leather bustier. Even more astounding, he filled the lingerie. Very, very well. Joe couldn’t help himself. He just blurted it out.
“My God, you have enormous breasts!”
“Excuse me?” Jonah asked. He jiggled as he roared with rage. Joe burst into laughter. “What the hell is the matter with you, boy?” Without the suit on, J. Jonah Jameson looked remarkably... feminine. Joe just kept staring. “Fascinating,” Jonah said. His voice was as hard and tough-as-nails as it had always been, but this time it had a sultry, womanly quality.
Then suddenly, the walls of Jonah’s office faded to black, and quickly re-decorated themselves to resemble an elegant bedchamber. Jonah’s head, now the only masculine feature left on his body, morphed from hard-nosed publisher to hard-nosed headmistress. The White Queen’s face now matched her body sitting in front of Joe. She looked at him and smiled. “That should do it,” she said. And then, she was gone, and Joe was back in Jonah’s office. Or rather, was being forcefully ejected from it by Lance Bannon, one of the Bugle’s freelance photographers. Joe stumbled out of the office as the door slammed shut behind him, and he fell straight into the arms of one of the Bugle’s other employees.
“Sorry,” Joe said, flushing red with embarrassment. He turned to shake the hand of the man who had broken his fall. “Oh my God!” Joe exclaimed when he saw who it was. He took the young photographer’s hand into his own, shaking it enthusiastically. “You’re Peter Parker! The Amazing S- Photographer! An Amazing Photographer, really!” Joe looked nervously from side to side, wondering if anyone caught his slip. Peter seemed to have, and raised a suspicious eyebrow in Joe’s direction.
“And you are?” Peter asked.
“Joe Faust,” the Scavenger introduced himself. “NOT the Bugle’s newest copy editor.” Peter nodded, made a half-frown with his face, and said something that was probably sympathetic. All Joe could hear was Charles’ voice, pounding in his brain.

*Joe?*
*Yes, it’s me- what do you want?!?*
*Don’t you get it? Emma- Frost- you know, the White Queen? She’s fixed it. We’ve got a telepathic bond now. See?*
*Yes, it’s very nice. I’ll put it on the refrigerator when we get home. Now go take nappy time, and be a good boy at school today. Daddy’s trying to have a conversation with Mr. Parker.*
*Peter Parker? You mean the Am-*


Joe envisioned a metal wall, slamming down in front of Chuck’s thoughts and giving him back his own mind. It was nice to be able to do that. He looked back at Peter, who was obviously waiting for some kind of response.
“I’m sorry, what?” Joe asked. He waved a hand to indicate he was ‘a little out of it.’
“I asked you if you’d like to grab a little lunch,” Peter explained.
“Sounds great,” Joe said. “But I’ve got no money.”
“I can probably swing a couple of Marvel Burgers on my budget,” Peter offered, checking his wallet. “There’s a place right around the corner.”
“Okay,” Joe relented. “Let’s go.”

As soon as they hit the street, Peter remembered that the Marvel Burger he usually frequents was a little bit further away than ‘around the corner.’ He apologized several times, insisting that, “It seems much quicker when I go by myself.” Joe knew exactly what he meant.
“I’m up for a walk, if you’ve got the time,” Joe said. “I could use the unwind time, after the debacle upstairs.”
“Didn’t have what Jonah was looking for?” Peter asked.
“No, I pictured him in drag,” Joe explained. Peter looked confused, but Joe wasn’t in the mood to explain. “Don’t ask,” he said. He reached into his shirt pocket, produced a cigarette, and paused just long enough to light it. The two began their walk downtown.
“Dirty habit,” Peter said with a grin. “My wife used to do it, and boy, I’m glad she stopped.”
“Jesus,” Joe said, exhaling. “You’re as bad as Captain America.”
“What?!?” Peter asked, looking very startled.
“I said, ‘You’re as bad as Captain America,’” Joe repeated. He hadn’t really considered letting Peter keep his identity a secret, but suddenly, playing along seemed like a good idea. “I mean, he’s so noble and considerate when I see him on TV, I suspect he’s probably kind of arrogant in real life.” Peter gave Joe another long “where have I seen you before?” look. Joe just smiled, and continued puffing away at his cigarette.
For the rest of the trip, the two chatted amiably about their life stories. Joe, for the most part, stuck to the truth, inventing only enough detail to cover the last two weeks. In this conversation, Kyle, Joe, and Charles had come to New York to visit a distant relative, gotten stuck here, and were now looking at starting over here in town. Peter seemed to buy it, though he continued looking at Joe with an increasingly more puzzled expression. He also pressed Joe for a little more information about Spider-Man, which Joe sidestepped easily by mentioning Webs, the book of Spider-Man photos Peter had published a few years previously. The two were so engrossed in their conversation, they didn’t even look at the Marvel Burger building until they were standing at the doors. The inside had been gutted.
“Nice place you got here,” Joe said, smugly. Everywhere he looked, the restaurant was in ruins. Tables were overturned, chairs smashed, and in some places it looked as though a giant animal had slashed through the countertops. “Rule number one of fast-food management,” Joe said to Peter, “Is if the Wendigo wants an extra Happy Meal toy, you give it to him!” The two laughed in spite of themselves, until Peter realized that neither one of them ought to get that joke. They eyed one another suspiciously again. Finally, from in the back, a brave teen waded through the debris of the store to the front register. “Welcome to Marvel Burger,” he droned in zombie-like cadence, “Can I take your order, please?”
Suddenly, the thick wall he’d built to keep Charles from his thoughts burst open in Joe’s mind, and a flood of images came pouring in. He looked to Peter, whose face had taken on a peculiar perk at the same time. “Danger!” they shouted to one another, and before he could react, Joe was in Peter’s grasp, bounding to one side of the restaurant as the least-damaged wall came tumbling down. The young man behind the counter stared as a jack-knifed Vault transport came sliding into the restaurant on its side, headed straight for the front register.
“Oh damn,” he said.
Joe pulled himself free of Peter’s grip and, heedless of the consequences, threw himself in front of the careening truck. With a tap of the button on his CESU, Joe was transformed instantaneously into the Scavenger, who pressed both palms into the front of the truck, dug his heels into the floor, and through some miracle managed to keep the truck from moving any further. The Scavenger looked at the counter boy, who had passed out from shock. That was one person he needn’t worry about discovering his secret identity. Peter, on the other hand, looked amazed.
“You’re- the Scavenger!” he said.
“Well, I’m sure not Spider-Man,” the Scavenger snapped, trying to give Peter a subtle hint. He got the message.
“Right, I’m going to run to the bathroom, while you try to figure out what caused this mess.”
“Check,” the Scavenger replied. He climbed over the rubble piled up by the truck’s sudden entry, and worked his way around to the double-doors at the back of the truck. They were still firmly secure. Thanking whichever slim bit of luck kept those prisoners secure, the Scavenger turned to see who or what through the Vault transport off the road and through a fast food restaurant’s front wall.
In the middle of the street, amidst a flock of fleeing civilians, was the six-and-a-half-foot tall, solid steel form of “Crusher” Creel, the infamous Absorbing Man. He spun his wrecking ball overhead several times, and screamed in mindless battle fury. The Scavenger leapt into the street, just outside of the ball’s range.
“Hey Creel!” he shouted. “Next time, use the drive-thru!” He aimed his Wonder Glove, and fired several bursts of energy directly into Creel’s chest. The beams bounced harmlessly off the Absorbing Man’s metal skin.
“Nice try, dope! But it’s not gonna work!” The Absorbing Man moved into a charge, then quickly stopped himself, and threw his wrecking ball over the Scavenger’s head. The Scavenger, meanwhile, had been backpedaling to avoid the charge, and suddenly found himself backed up against the Absorbing Man’s weapon. Creel moved back into the charge, and it was only dumb luck that let the Scavenger avoid both of the pounding metal fists that came his way. As it was, the Scavenger was left pinned under a thick metal foot.
“Nice combo attack,” he had to grudgingly concede.
“I’ve gone up against guys like Thor, and Captain America,” the Absorbing Man boasted. “You’re strictly lightweight.”
“Hey, Creel!” a voice from the sidelines shouted. Suddenly, Spider-Man leapt from nowhere, pinning himself to the Absorbing Man’s torso. He fired a gob of webbing into the villain’s eyes, then flipped over him, and pulled Carl Creel to the ground with a powerful slam. As he did so, he finished his witty entrance line. “Next time, use the drive-thru!” The Scavenger picked himself off the ground.
“I totally just said that,” the Scavenger complained.
With a sudden speed neither hero would have expected from a solid-steel man, the Absorbing Man reached blindly up at his opponents. His hand caught hold of Cestus, and with a flash of light, the transformation was complete. Spider-Man’s webbing slid off the silky fabric that was now the Absorbing Man’s body. With a snap of his spaghetti-strap arms, Creel tossed the two heroes to opposite ends of the street, and made his way toward the downed Vault carrier.
The transport’s two Guardsmen, finally recovering their bearings, crawled from the cab of the truck, and aimed their gauntlet weaponry at the oncoming villain.
“Look out!” shouted the first guard.
“Creed’s turned himself into... women’s underwear?” the second one asked.
“It’s not women’s underwear!” Creel shouted angrily. He swung his cloth wrecking ball at the two Guardsmen. It crashed into the nearest one, and slid ineffectually off the guard’s armor. The Guardsmen laughed, and returned fire. As soon as the two brought their weapons to bear, however, each was suddenly no longer wearing Guardsman armor. Instead, they wore leather chaps and harnesses, held together in the center by a thick metal ring. Creel roared with laughter. “You think the Village People are going to stop me?” He swung two ultra-thin arms at the soldiers, knocking them both out for the count. He turned to face the downed truck.

Meanwhile, the Scavenger and Spider-Man were regrouping. “Who’d have guessed Creel could hit so hard?” Spider-Man asked, rubbing his jaw.
“Well,” the Scavenger said, “he’s got magical powers now, plus he’s absolutely indestructible.”
“By turning in to women’s underwear?”
“It’s not women’s underwear!” The Scavenger screamed. He ran back toward the battle, followed closely by Spider-Man.
They made it back into the restaurant just in time to see Creel, slide halfway through the paper-thin cracks at the hinges. With a quick flex of his muscles, the Absorbing Man popped the doors of the van loose. From inside, the four enormous figures of the Wrecking Crew stumbled out, wearing their distinctive costumes, but bound by shackles and missing their distinctive weapons. Spider-Man and the Scavenger looked at one another. Both were pretty overshadowed by the five looming figures opposite them.
“Alright! We’ve been busted loose, boys!” shouted the Wrecker.
“It’s Crusher!” Bulldozer exclaimed.
“Yeah,” Piledriver agreed. “And he’s turned into... women’s underwear?”
“It’s not women’s underwear!” the Absorbing Man and the Scavenger shouted in unison.

“It may not be possible to hurt you,” the Scavenger shouted at the Absorbing Man, “But you’re still a lightweight. Literally!” He fired his vortex-beam at the ground at Creel’s feet. Caught suddenly in a high-pressure whirlwind, Creel could only find himself helplessly twisting and turning into a jumbled, knotty mess.
At the same time, the Wrecker brought both fists- still locked together by the Vault-issued manacles- crashing down toward Spider-Man. The Wall-Crawler just laughed gleefully, and bounded away from the clumsy attack. He landed behind the Wrecker, and dotted the villain’s back with jackhammer punches. Unfortunately, they did little more than bruise the tough skin granted to the Wrecker by Asgardian magicks. Not to be daunted by something as trivial as manacles, Bulldozer lowered his head, and ran at Spider-Man with all his strength. Spider-Man waited until the last possible moment, then leapt into the air, using a fair amount of webbing to toss the Wrecker in his teammate’s path. The Wrecker sailed out of the fast food restaurant and into the street, leaving an embarrassed (and fearful) Bulldozer behind.
“With these shackles on our hands an’ you guys’ weapons missing, we ain’t got a chance,” Piledriver whined. He swung a few more punches at the Scavenger, but his heart wasn’t really in it.
“I’m working on it,” Thunderball thundered back. He dropped his arms around the sides of the Scavenger’s head, pulling the manacles tight against the hero’s throat. The Scavenger rolled his eyes, more in frustration that pain, and slid his own arms up to block the villain’s. The Scavenger’s strength flared, driving Thunderball’s arms apart and away from his throat.
“Again with the choking me,” the Scavenger coughed. “Do you do this on purpose?” Thunderball merely chuckled, and rubbed his free hands. Bulldozer was recovering from his accidental encounter nearby, so Thunderball took the opportunity to free his teammate’s hands, as well. While Thunderball was tearing Bulldozer free from his manacles, the Scavenger was landing a series of punches on Piledriver, trying to eliminate at least one more villain from the battle before the tide turned. Too late.
Thunderball picked up the Absorbing Man’s fabric ball. As soon as he made contact with it, the wrecking ball reverted to its original metal form. Thunderball swung it once overhead, testing its weight. The Wrecker came lumbering back into the battle, also without his manacles on. Spider-Man bounced off Thunderball’s shoulders, and tagged the Wrecker in the face with a web-line. A small piece of debris got caught in the Scavenger’s vortex, and the Absorbing Man took his opportunity. The winds dissipated as a stone Absorbing Man burst free.
The Scavenger threw Bulldozer into Thunderball, and poked at the both of them with a few Wonder-Blasts. It was a good attack, but it left the young hero open to an attack from behind by Piledriver’s massive fists. The Scavenger landed, dazed, at the Absorbing Man’s feet. Creel hoisted the Guardsmen’s van above his head. The Wrecker groped blindly for Spider-Man. Finally, he tore the webbing free from his face with a howl. He saw the van. He knew what he had to do. The Scavenger looked up. He saw the van, and knew what he had to do.
“Got your nipple,” the Scavenger said, laughing. The Absorbing Man didn’t even have time to look confused. The Scavenger dug his Wonder Glove in to the Absorbing Man’s chest, and pulled free a tremendous handful of pectoral muscle. With so much of his upper body strength suddenly missing, the Absorbing Man had just one moment to realize that his stone form wouldn’t support the weight of the truck. In that moment, Spider-Man bounded over, caught the Scavenger by the waist, and leapt to the other side. The truck came crashing down, making gravel of the Absorbing Man.
“He’ll be fine once he puts himself back together,” the Scavenger reassured Spider-Man. "But with that weight on top of him, he won’t be able to move until someone helps him." The heroes peered across the van to where the Wrecking Crew was gathering itself back together again. The Wrecker moved purposefully toward the van’s cab. And instantly, Spider-Man and the Scavenger knew why.
Spider-Man was easily the faster of the two, and got to the front of the Vault transport before the Scavenger could react. The Wrecker was nearly upon them, then, but luck was with the heroes. Spider-Man snatched a small black case from the passenger seat of the van seconds before the Wrecker’s hands curled around the webslinger’s ankle. Spider-Man tossed the box out of the van, into the Scavenger’s waiting grasp. Then Thunderball’s weapon dropped right where the Scavenger had been standing, but the hero was already zipping away on disco skates.
“My bar!” the Wrecker wailed, sounding for all the world like a petulant child. “He’s got my magic crowbar!” Spider-Man was temporarily forgotten as the Wrecker watched the Scavenger slipping away, and in that moment, Spider-Man wriggled free of the Wrecker’s grip.
Bulldozer charged after the Scavenger, getting closer and closer with each passing second. Suddenly, the Scavenger screeched to a halt, spun, and fired a thin layer of ice across Bulldozer’s path. The big man slipped, and fell to the ground with a loud crash. The Scavenger quickly hurried over to Bulldozer’s side, and began layering the villain with sheet after sheet of ice, pinning him under the sheer weight. Before he could finish the task, however, the Scavenger was besieged once more by Piledriver’s powerful fists.
“Thwip,” the Scavenger said, looking very serious.
“Thwip?” Piledriver asked.
“Thwip,” said Spider-Man.
Thwip! Went Spider-Man’s webshooters, covering Piledriver with a thick, gooey net. The Scavenger quickly added a layer of ice to Piledriver’s shoulders, knocking the villain into his teammate. A well-placed paste bomb guaranteed they’d be staying put. Thunderball’s wrecking ball landed again, but Spider-Man’s spider-sense had him airborne the moment Thunderball began to swing.
“Eliot, Eliot,” Spider-Man chided the villain. “When has that trick ever worked? I mean, really? When?” Thunderball didn’t answer with a word- just a roared syllable. His wrecking ball swung wildly left and right, always just missing Spider-Man, the red-and-blue blur that moved around the villain, landing punches left and right. The Scavenger was so mesmerized by the display, he didn’t notice the Wrecker creeping closer until it was too late.
“No fair!” the Scavenger cried. “The Wrecker doesn’t sneak!”
“Tough shit,” the Wrecker laughed, scooping the Scavenger up in both arms and lifted him off the ground. The Scavenger screamed as the Wrecker squeezed his bear hug tighter. The Scavenger kicked and kicked at the Wrecker’s chest and stomach, but couldn’t penetrate the villain’s thick armored costume.
“My crowbar,” the Wrecker said. The Scavenger opened the black case and pulled out the Wrecker’s weapon. And then beat him in the head with it. Twice, three times, four times, he brought the wedge of metal down against the Wrecker’s forehead. The Wrecker’s grip loosened, and the Scavenger slipped back to the ground. Spider-Man’s web-line tagged Thunderball’s wrist, and jerked his swing in a new direction. The Scavenger saw the attack coming, and drew back the crowbar for one powerful hit. The Wrecker met his crowbar from the front and wrecking ball from behind at the same moment, and the sound of the crash shattered every window left standing in the Marvel Burger. The Wrecker fell to the ground, unmoving. The Scavenger dropped the crowbar onto the Wrecker’s chest, and turned, with Spider-Man, to face Thunderball.
“Two on one now, Eliot,” Spider-Man said.
“Right,” Thunderball said. “Unfortunately, boys, my partners in crime and I have a date at the Latverian embassy. And, as long as my pal, the Wrecker is touching his crowbar, we’ve got a guaranteed escape plan.” Spider-Man and the Scavenger dove for the Wrecker, but the man was already disappearing. “We’re out of here,” Thunderball laughed. And then he, the Wrecker, Bulldozer, and Piledriver vanished.
“The bad guys got away,” Spider-Man said.
“Yeah, but we’re totally going to count that as a ‘win’, right?” the Scavenger asked.
“Um, sure,” Spider-Man said.
“Cool. Now, though, I’d better get going. I left Peter Parker at Marvel Burger, and I have to talk to him about my ‘secret identity.’”
“Sure, you hurry along,” Spider-Man said. “I’m sure those Vault boys can handle the Absorbing Man. I’ve got to get going myself.” He shot a web-line to a nearby flagpole.
“Well, wait a minute!” the Scavenger cried.
“Huh? What?”
“Aren’t you going to give me a little pep talk?”
“How do you mean?”
“You know, I’m a new hero, you’re been around for a while. I’m not sure I want to do this, and you teach me about how to be a good superhero. The talk?”
“I- I suppose I could. I’ve never really done this sort of thing before, though. I-“
“Darkhawk.”
“Well, I guess with Darkhawk I did. But-“
“Deathlok.”
“Yeah, I guess I-“
“Sleepwalker.”
“Hmm...”
“Speedball? The Punisher? Cloak and Dagger? Captain Marvel? That chick, with the bat wings...”
“Nocturna.”
“Right, Nocturna. Then, there was-“
“Enough! I get the point! Okay, um, let me think of something inspirational...”
“It’s just that I’ve got all this great power. And I feel as though with this great power must come...”
“Look, Scavenger, you’re sworn to protect a world that hates and fears you. You’ll be fine.” And with that, Spider-Man was gone.
“No, that’s the X-Men! Oh, nevermind!” The Scavenger pressed the button on his CESU, and walked back into the ravaged Marvel Burger. Inside, the crew was beginning to emerge, pulling out brooms and mops to put the restaurant back to some semblance of normal. Joe walked up to the nearest employee.
“Hi,” he said. “Um, can I get an application?”
A high-pitched shriek wailed through the restaurant; it sounded like someone was tearing a hole in the universe. Joe hit his CESU again and prepared for an attack. A yellow cloth appeared from nowhere in mid-air, and then, from inside the folds of the cloth, CJ fell out and onto the floor.
“Joe!” she shrieked. “Thank God! Listen- it’s all coming to an end! Elyk, Ryker, Kyle, Chuck, you! Death! Dr. Doom! The end of the world as we know it!”
“Nah, it’s just a job at a fast food place. I’ve done it before,” Joe said. The world blinked.
The young man behind the counter looked at CJ and the Scavenger. “Uh... welcome to Burger King,” he said. “Can I take your order?”